Scared

I'm scared. Scared that the world is not what it seems, which is probably happening already anyway. What if one day the world that I'm living in for 17 years, has been all a dream in the end? There's like a million things going through my mind right now, actually, at every second in my life.

I think I live my life by fear. Fear that what comes next will be what ends everything I have, fearing that people will see through the facade I put up to bluff everybody, including myself. Sometimes, I think that I'm living someone else's life for them, and where I belong, is somewhere far away, where nobody knows of my existence.

I am constantly afraid that the friends I make are not really my friends, like they don't really want to be friends with me. Sometimes I wonder if they are just talking to me, and being friends with me, and pretending that they care, out of pity. But that would make them a rather generous bunch of people, but it may be true. Sometimes I wonder if they only make friends with me because they were bored of their real friends, and want to get along with retarded people like me. Please don't feel offended if you read this, if you're reading this, it probably means you're not the person I'm referring to.

I'm scared that I can't be what everyone expect me to be. I already am not. My parents are really disappointed in me but I don't know how to change that. Sometimes I just wish that they would abandon me and I would be immune to fear and pain from a very young age. I feel like carbon sometimes; sometimes my parents will treat me like diamond and i'll sparkle in their eyes, yet sometimes they treat me like the carbon soot below a frying wok. I'm still scared that they will decide to abandon me one day, and its the greatest fear I've ever had. Or still am having. Because every year, they will never fail to tell me that I'm adopted. And sometimes I do believe them. Because I'm different from my siblings, and I don't really think like they do. I have really low EQ and IQ and think of the weirdest things in the universe. Some which don't even exist.

I don't know how to say this, but I'm scared of myself too. I'm afraid of what I've become and I'm afraid that it's the wrong thing to become. Most of the time, I just wish that I could turn back time and change how I've grown. I'm scared of what I will become in the future, and tomorrow is too soon.

There's a reason behind every thing I've done, and fear is the one factor pushing me to do them. I go to school because I'm afraid I wouldn't have friends, I didn't shave my head bald because I'm afraid of being judged, I smile at others because I'm afraid they will hate me, I talk to people because I'm afraid they will ask about me, I create my own walls against everybody because I'm afraid they'll see through me. There's a million things to talk about but that's just boring.


I'm afraid of losing my friends, but I don't know how to tell them. I know they're not afraid because there are many more people out there who care about them but they are the only people I have ever trusted and cared for in my life, besides family, and if I lose them, I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to trust others anymore. I used to have a really close friend but now, we're just like strangers on the streets. We don't talk, we don't see each other anymore, and we don't have mutual friends who we talk to anymore. And she was the first one who opened me up to trust others, and I'm grateful for that, she really taught me a lot of things. I don't know if you consider me your closest friend, but to me, you are my closest friend. You're always the first one who I confess everything to, you're always the first one who I look for in a crowd, but I don't really feel it coming from you. I know you have closer friends too, but I just help but feel scared of losing you. I don't want to lose you... ): But I know I'm not exactly he greatest friend to have, so I understand why you're getting close to other people. Even when I am with you, I can feel you far away from me. When I see you getting closer to other people, I'm happy for you but I'm really scared. Just really, really scared. 


And sometimes I don't tell you how I really feel, because I'm afraid of hurting you. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to be angry at me. bidlh. ):